The older I get, the more I feel that an important part of this process called life is gaining insight over time into things that didn't seem as clear before.
Or maybe it's just that as I work stuff out in my head, I come up with the doctrine of The World According To Me and that becomes the way I think.
Either way, one school of thought that has crystallized for me over time is the notion of what constitutes a grown-up.
As a kid, you think of everyone over 21 as a grown-up. Then you get to be that age and you don't really feel like you are a grown-up, except that you can finally drink without worrying about your parents finding out or the police catching you.
Then it seems you morph into the part as you get a "real job," take on rent or mortgage, marry, have children and/or accept other weighty roles. But I have come to the conclusion that it takes more than that to constitute a grown-up. And some people, regardless of age, never become one.
I'm not referring to men and women who remain young at heart. You can be young at heart and still be a responsible adult.
No, I'm talking about situations like parents who indulge themselves first, at the expense of their kids; spouses who take personal gratification so much to the extreme that it becomes a detriment to marriage, family and commitment. They are not grown-ups.
I admire parents, who, during and immediately after a divorce, don't put an urgent quest to find someone new before the needs of their emotionally fragile kids. Not that they should deny themselves the possibility of a new and positive relationship -- I'm not suggesting that.
Children do better with parents who are emotionally healthy and live balanced lives. Consciously denying yourself the benefit of a healthy and loving relationship with a decent person is probably as bad as staying in an awful marriage for the sake of the children -- especially if it's been a long time since you've been able to have a healthy relationship.
But kids don't ask for divorce and all of the stuff that goes with it. So to have the family fall apart, then immediately have the mom and/or dad they count on for stability suddenly way more into the dating pool than driving the carpool, well, it doesn't seem right.
These public figures in the headlines of late, cheating on their wives, betraying and humiliating their families? Not grown-ups.
Because the key, I think, to being a grown-up is realizing that it's no longer entirely and only all about you.
Some adults go to their graves never getting that.
And that's not something you learn in kindergarten.
Print this story
E-mail this story
