Q: Our 4-year-old changes her clothes several times a day after school and on weekends to "look nice." I give her choices when buying clothes and purchase what she tells me she "loves." She'll wear new clothes or use a schoolbag once or twice, and then later refuses them and wants something new. I am truly dreading the day-after-Thanksgiving shopping because I may be making this problem worse. We don't overly emphasize physical beauty, so we don't understand her need to change clothes all the time. It's very draining. How much force should we use and is it worth the fight? Is this "normal" and what can we do as parents? Would therapy help? -- S.R.
A: I had this same rather interesting question last year from a parent, and it was a "first" in 25 years for this topic. I wondered if it was a sign of the times or a result of TV ads about clothing brands.
After consulting with a child psychologist, I advised that the parents set limits and stick to them regarding how many choices would be given per outfits to wear, and also on how many changes of clothing could be made in one day. The advice was also to choose one's clothes for the next day the prior night, and choose only three options. The change of clothing was only to be made once, after school, and at bedtime for nightwear.
This is a "control" issue. You really do not want to foster or nurture these controlling aspects of her personality, as this can hinder many areas of her development. You should try to expand her other interests and help her to diminish her interest in outfits.
Start by trying out those new, simple limits. Praise her for trying this new way of doing things. If she adjusts, great. If not, consider taking her to a child or family therapist to see why she seems to need the security of controlling this aspect of her life.
You know you could simply skip the day-after-Thanksgiving shopping since she has so many clothes already. Or you could go shopping in a resale shop. You also need to explain to your child that these clothes all cost money and that you really don't have enough money to allow her unlimited numbers of outfits. Draw and show her a "pie picture" of the way your money is budgeted for food, home, clothing, entertainment, and so on.
Help her see that other things could be purchased or done with the money you are spending on outfits. If she is made more aware of this, she might begin to be interested in some new things or options instead of outfits.
Evelyn Petersen is an award-winning parenting columnist and child and family advocate who lives in Traverse City. E-mail questions to evelynpetersen@yahoo.com. For more columns from Evelyn Petersen, visit record-eagle.com/askevelyn.
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