Q: Our daughter will be 20 this month, lives at home and attends a community college full time. She has her own room. She's very independent and rarely asks for help. Her mom's having a fit about her messy room. She hates the way it looks and can't understand why anyone would want to live in such a mess. My stand is that it's her room and as long as there's no leftover food or drink or dishes in there she should be able to keep her room the way she wants. She has her boyfriend over from time to time and when they are in her room, they keep the door open and just sit on the bed and watch TV.
One day my wife came home and found them under the covers watching a movie. Mom started yelling, "That's it, no more visitors in the room!" I said she should have taken our daughter aside and explained to her that "under the covers" is not acceptable in our house. If that behavior happens again, then the boyfriend is banned from the room.
Which do you think would be the correct way to handle this? -- J.M.
A: I think you might have had a better solution. First, the room issue. Our oldest daughter went through a period of a totally messy room. My rules were that she had to clean it up herself, and that no food or drinks could be in the room. (I didn't want pests to start living there and migrate to the rest of the house.) I also insisted on her keeping the door closed so I did not have to see the mess.
After three or four weeks she actually got sick of it, cleaned it up and kept it clean.
Now, the guest situation. The rule that the door should always stay open is simple and fair. It is your house and you need to feel comfortable in your own house.
If I had come upon the two of them under the covers, I would have simply asked then to get out from the covers as it makes me makes me uncomfortable and I want to be comfortable in my own home. Then I would have smiled and said "The rule here is to keep both feet on the floor."
I think it's far better not to overreact in these situations, and to remember that your daughter is 20 and that she causes no other problems.
You might mention to your wife that it is not only wise but is good modeling to be respectful of your daughter in front of her guests, just as it is to be mature and respectful of a guest. It's probably better that they hug and fondle at your home than in some car or lonely lovers lane.
I would also invite her guest to dinner sometimes and also play some family games or cards together. This is a way to really get to know the guest or boyfriend.
Evelyn Petersen is an award-winning parenting columnist and child and family advocate who lives in Traverse City. E-mail questions to evelynpetersen@yahoo.com.
For more columns from Evelyn Petersen, visit record-eagle.com/askevelyn.
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