TRAVERSE CITY -- Debbie Coyne's daughter died eight years ago while waiting for a heart transplant, leaving behind more than memories. She also had the child her daughter left behind.
Now Coyne, 58, is both grandmother and single mother to Morgan, 10, fitting in soccer practices, school homework and altar server duties around her full-time job.
"We're joined at the hip because we do everything together," said Coyne, a secretary and receptionist at Munson Hospice and Palliative Care. "What makes it so easy is knowing I have something of Maria. Morgan lives on in her."
About 4.5 million children in the U.S. live in grandparent-headed households as the result of incarceration, illness, poverty, substance abuse, teen pregnancy or deployment.
And the trend is growing. In the last decade Michigan has seen a 25 percent increase in the number of grandparents who are raising their grandchildren, according to the Area Agency on Aging 1-B in Southfield.
For grandparents like Pat and Sherry, it's a mixed blessing. The Traverse City couple had just become empty-nesters and were starting to think about retirement when physical illness and depression caused their daughter to go into a tailspin.
Knowing she couldn't care for her son Dennis, who has pervasive developmental disorder, she sought help from Child and Family Services, which placed him in foster care.
The agency began to look for a permanent adoptive home for their grandson, but the couple talked it over and decided to step in. They began fostering him a year ago and now are a month away from finalizing his adoption and giving him their last name.
"He's our family and if we do let him go, we'll probably never see him again," said Sherry, 58.
"We're just resigned to the fact that this is what we have to do," added Pat, 60, whom Dennis calls Dzia Dzia, Polish for grandpa.
Freedom, privacy lost
Caring for a first-grader late in life hasn't been without its problems, say the couple, who asked that their last name not be used. Besides dealing with his developmental difficulties, including aggression, they have given up their freedom and privacy and had to move from their third-floor condo to a rented home in order to provide a more suitable environment.
Then there's the financial impact. Dennis is covered by Medicaid because of his special needs and can be carried on the couple's insurance policies once they adopt him, but getting him this far has depleted their savings.
"It's tough, especially now," said Sherry, referring to Pat's recent layoff. "Groceries are expensive."
But they say it will all be worth it to see their grandson grow and succeed.
"We know that he knows that he's going to feel safe and he's going nowhere else and that we're here and we love him," Sherry said.
Raising her grandchildren is both harder and easier than raising her own brood, said Kim Brock, temporary guardian with husband, Aaron, of granddaughters Sydne', 2, and Angelina, 5.
"I'm more experienced. I think it's harder because I'm older and more tired, but as far as having more patience, I think I'm better at that," said Brock, 48. "When they get into soccer and basketball, I don't know how I'll have energy."
Brock is a community relations coordinator from Charlevoix who said she never planned on raising children at this stage in her life. But when her daughter and son-in-law landed in jail for different reasons, she and her husband landed the job. Now they're adjusting all over again to baby sitters and day care, diapers and pacifiers, toys and bunk beds -- and worrying that they'll get too attached.
"It's hard work," she said, adding that now she only has time for her sewing hobby on Tuesday nights and Saturdays. "You look forward to the times they're gone, but then you look forward to getting them back."
Local groups help
All three sets of grandparents are getting help from local support groups called Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, one of several resources, from AARP to school IEPs, or Individualized Education Programs.
"It takes a village to raise a child," said Coyne, who also relies on her co-workers and a special baby sitter. "I need people out there to help me. I can't do this 24/7."
The support groups are offered in Traverse City through Catholic Human Services and in Petoskey through the Friendship Centers of Emmet County, and are facilitated programs covering topics such as community resources, child behavior, stress management and educational and financial issues.
"Many times (grandparents) are right behind the eight ball with regard to financial assistance unless they have applied for legal custody, and that's a sticky wicket for a lot of people," said Marybeth Novak, prevention coordinator for Catholic Human Services. "It's a pretty complex issue, and we see where their interests and needs are and try to go from there.
"We deal with a number of issues, first and foremost what they are actually feeling about this whole new life they've got."
Lija Ditmar is a child and family therapist, a certified special ed mediator and a certified trauma consultant who worked with the Traverse City group last spring. She said most of the grandparents' concerns fell into three categories.
"They were seeing a lot of behavior conversions of the children: kids who were angry, kids who had regressed behaviors. So their biggest concern was understanding where all this rage, anger, out-of-bound behaviors were coming from," she said.
Another worry was how to deal with birth parents when talking about them to their grandchildren, she said.
"How did they not badmouth the mom who didn't feed them or who left them out in the cold, the mom or dad who made some very bad choices? Because the kids loved them as parents."
Finally, she said the grandparents were anxious about how to cope with children who wanted their attention 100 percent of the time.
"Usually these kids need way more attention, and it's control they're seeking, not attention," she said. "Those grandparents were getting weary."
For Debbie Coyne, having primary physical custody of Morgan has been a blessing rather than a burden. Though she's often lonely for adult companionship, she said raising her granddaughter gives her a chance to get it right the second time around.
"My children are stairsteps. I had three children in four years. It was a blur," she said. "It's so neat to have the time to get into her personality."
Brock wouldn't have it any other way, either.
"It's been challenging, but positive, knowing that you make a difference in somebody else's life, especially a child's or children," she said.
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