Q: Our 7-year-old son is rather serious and intelligent but lacks motivation and perseverance. He has the knowledge to be exceptional, yet he'd rather watch television. He's taking guitar lessons and grasps everything the teacher tells him but he won't practice. The teacher thinks it would be a mistake if he quits. I hate to force things on him but if I let him quit out of laziness, will quitting become a habit? -- L.E.S.
A: It's wise to remember that you are the one responsible for teaching your child to make choices in his own best long-term interest. This responsibility includes choices of behavior. All the choices he is making right now are creating patterns of behavior. Think about the long-range consequences of these behaviors.
Next think about the skills he needs to have in order to be successful in the future. You need to remember that love means extending yourself for another's growth ... and that kind of parental love is not always easy for a parent. But growth for your child is his long-term best interest. Your son can't see that big picture but YOU can see it if you try.
He's old enough to talk with you about the fact that you want to teach him to make good choices in his best long-term interest. He is old enough to understand your examples about real life and life skills. Someday he will need to be able to work on his own, maintain persistence in finishing tasks, and be proud of his accomplishments.
This will be true in both school and adult life. Adults have jobs and they do them before they read, relax or watch television. Adults have to accept delayed gratification. In the real world you don't get what you want when you want it most of the time. You need to wait for what you want, and usually you have to work toward a goal before you achieve it.
Your son needs to start learning that habit now. You may think it's a small thing, but when you let him watch TV before he gets his homework done or practices guitar, you're teaching him the habit of instant gratification and laziness about his responsibilities. Letting him quit guitar instead of working at it and being proud of will just encourage him to continue negative behaviors that will not help him in the future.
When you say you "hate to force things on him," you may just be making excuses to avoid your own job of helping your child to grow as a person. Guitar lessons are a privilege not a chore. He needs to know that no matter what the privilege, responsibility goes hand in hand with it.
Evelyn Petersen is an award-winning parenting columnist and child and family advocate who lives in Traverse City. E-mail questions to evelynpetersen@yahoo.com. For more columns from Evelyn Petersen, visit record-eagle.com/askevelyn.
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