Q: We recently had 8- and 10-year-old children, along with their parents, as guests in our home. The kids ate like animals! They would pick up food with their hands and stuff it in their mouths; the parents said nothing. I also dislike seeing our grandchildren eat at their house in front of the TV on the floor; they seldom join the adults at the table. If they do eat with us, they're allowed to bring a book and read as they eat. I try to coach them on table manners, but feel I'm losing the battle. -- Concerned Grandma
A: I agree with you on the current state of family meals and table manners. What amazes me most is that most of our adult children did use good manners at the table when they were growing up ... why didn't they pass it on?
Many of today's families seldom eat a family meal together. Eating together and conversing is one of the main ways that people have always passed on their values. And at the same time, the family meal was the venue for parents to model appropriate manners.
A study on family meals and effects on children's behavior was done in Minnesota a decade ago. It showed that children who eat regular meals with their parents, and converse with them about their day, their interests, current events and their opinions and beliefs are children who have better self-esteem, fewer problems in school, and are less likely to escape their feelings of "unconnectedness" with drugs.
We need to urge young parents to start family meal routines as early as possible and explain the reasons why.
Children need to learn what is expected in society regarding table manners. Talk with your children and tell them that you are going to have more family meals and tell them why. Explain that when children are adults or teens they will need to know how to eat properly with good manners. Knowing how to behave, converse and eat properly can make a huge difference in getting or keeping a job, and in making or maintaining friendships. Children are not born with good manners or our values; we need to model and teach these things.
When grandchildren are eating with you, with or without their parents, say, "When you are at our house I expect you to eat politely and with good manners. I know you can do this. As we eat together we'll show you how we do it. We'll talk to each other while we eat. No books are allowed. Instead we'll talk about what's going on in each others' lives and in the world, and our plans for tomorrow."
Insist that you all eat together at the table.
Even babies in high chairs are learning about good table manners when they watch and listen to adults who talk at the table, pass foods and say "please" and "thank you."
Mealtime is actually baby's first social event and is very important in the child's development. Babies and children learn from our modeling; let's do it right.
Evelyn Petersen is an award-winning parenting columnist and child and family advocate who lives in Traverse City. E-mail questions to evelynpetersen@yahoo.com. For more columns from Evelyn Petersen, visit record-eagle.com/askevelyn.
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