Q: I have a 17-year-old stepdaughter. Her mother and I have been together for three years and have been living together for a year. Before we moved in together my stepdaughter was excited and said I was a good guy and she liked me. Then her attitude changed. Now she won't speak to me even though I try to engage her in discussions and family activities.
She used to have mom all to herself. She told her mom she feels un-needed and can't wait to graduate and move into a dorm at college. I have been respectful and caring and have poured my heart to her letting her know that I do care for her and am always here to help.
Last night my wife cried herself to sleep because she wants to have a family atmosphere again. She feels it's her fault. Please help if you can. -- M.M.
A: I know how it is to lose patience and be frustrated. You are human and you get hurt, just like your teen is hurting. You need to share the letter you wrote with her. Ask her to read it so she understands how you feel. She's been telling you how she feels and hurts, so hearing how you feel is only fair.
Try to be patient and let her have her feelings ... we cannot make people give up their sadness or feelings of rejection. Often they don't even understand WHY they have these feelings. Instead we must simply acknowledge them as REAL (whether we like them or not) and say it's OK to have these feelings.
We need to say "We hope that someday you will feel differently because we really do love you and care about you and want you to again be our best friend as well as our daughter when you are ready." Say you can wait as long as it takes for her to feel good again about your relationship and her important place in your family.
Sometimes when people feel left out or sad they also feel guilty about it. They become angry and lash out. Most of the time they lash out at the very people they trust and love. It feels safer to do it with those people.
Please understand that her behavior is part of an emotional process she's going through. Be patient and give her both love and time. It's natural for her to wonder about her place in your hearts; she just didn't think of it before. This is not your fault or something either of you did ... it's just the way she is processing current changes in her life.
She says she can't wait to leave and live in the dorm but I think that she's really a bit scared of that new experience and afraid that if she is gone you will forget her and not feel she has a place in the family. Reassure her. Tell her no matter where she is you think of her and love her and that she is just as important in the family as ever.
Be patient and to cherish every moment with your wife and your daughter.
Time goes by very quickly and the most important thing in our lives at the end are our families, our love and our memories. Keep the faith.
Evelyn Petersen is an award-winning parenting columnist and child and family advocate who lives in Traverse City. E-mail questions to evelynpetersen@yahoo.com. For more columns from Evelyn Petersen, visit record-eagle.com/askevelyn.
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